During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said weren’t in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
Check out what Wife replied !
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didn’t come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Albert Einstein Quotes
1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Fredrick Nietzsche Quotes
7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.
8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.
Mark Twain Quotes
12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
15. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
16. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
17. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.
18. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.
19. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
20. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
21. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.
22. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.
23. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
24. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.
25. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.
26. Courage is knowing what not to fear.
27. The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Winston Churchill Quotes
34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
35. If you are going through hell, keep going.
36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
George Carlin Quotes
38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
44. What year did Jesus think it was?
45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
47. “No comment” is a comment.
48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Steve Martin Quotes
50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!
51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.
52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)
Steven Colbert Quotes
57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.”
-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner
58. On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.
59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.
61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.
63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”
65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.
Jon Stewart Quotes
66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.
69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005
Bill Maher Quotes
71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Larry David Quotes
79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.
80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.
81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”
Dennis Miller Quotes
82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
Jay Leno Quotes
85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Sarah Silverman Quotes
94. When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.
95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Chris Rock Quotes
96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.
99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”
100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars
101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.
*If Karan Johar made Taare*
– Obvious starcast:
– Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh duh!!).
– Aryan Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for nuts).
– Rani Mukerjee as the kid’s mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable).
– Abhishek Bachchan as the kid’s dad.
– Amitabh Bachchan as the school principal (who cares if the role is ultra minute, he can afford it).
– It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.
– The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for the dyslexic kid’s mom. The last scene would have the mom running to the teacher rather than the kid. And again, like in so many other movies, SRK would get someone else’s girl.
– It would have one dance number.
– The film would be titled ‘*Kuch Taare Zameen Par*.’
*If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made Taare*
– Obvious starcast:
– Salman as the teacher.
– Rani as the mother.
– Of course the whole film would be shot on elaborate sets. The school would be nothing short of Harvard university.
– An orchestra would play every time anyone cried.
– Slow motion, different camera angles for every scene.
– The school uniforms would match the classroom walls even though that does not make a f***ing difference.
– The film would cost 60 crores.
*If Farah Khan made Taare*
– Obvious starcast:
– SRK as the teacher (yawn).
– In the original Taare, Aamir makes an entry at the interval point. In Farah’s version, SRK would be on screen on for 2.30 hrs out of the 2.45 hrs and would be introduced
in the first scene itself.
– The story would be changed to make sure the above happened. The focus of the film would be a teacher who helps a kid fight dyslexia.
– To make it a complete entertainer, there would be a romantic angle, comedy, and action thrown in. Oh idea!! Nikumbh’s character likes another teacher and the kiddo helps him..
throw in some comedy moments there and you have romance and comedy settled. For action..
hmm.. lemme see.. oh yah, the kid gets kidnapped and the teacher fights the baddies to save him. Wow!! I’m quite an imaginative writer. I can see how Farah can write a film from scratch in two weeks straight.
– The film posters would have a big SRK with the tiny image of the kid in the background.
*If Rakesh Roshan made Taare*
– Obvious starcast:
– Hrithik Roshan as the teacher.
– Since Rakesh Roshan cannot think beyond science fiction these days, this film would have that too. Instead of dyslexia, the kid would have alienositis or something, a condition induced
due to him witnessing an alien abduction.
– Instead of Nikumbh being an arts teacher, he would be a physics teacher, and instead of asking kids to be creative, he would ask them to challenge the science we know.
– In the scene where Nikumbh asks the kids to open their minds and make whatever they want outdoors, the kid Ishaan, instead of making a boat, would end up making a working
– Nikumbh would cure the kids problem by making a full fledged version of the kid’s prototype,
traveling to the alien planet, and asking them to give the kid his powers back.
– The film would have music by Rajesh Roshan ripped off from some world music.
– The film’s name would again start with a K.. probably ‘*Kuch Aliens Taaron se Zameen Par’*.
– The director would make sure Hrithik gets to show all his abilities. This would mean a scene with Roshan jr flexing his muscles, and a dance competition in the end, instead of
an arts competition.
*If Priyadarshan made Taare:*
– Obvious starcast:
– Akshay Kumar as the teacher.
– Paresh Rawal as the kid’s dad.
– It would be a brainless comedy. The kid’s dyslexia would be made fun of. Half the times
the parents will be running after the kid from one room to the other and
that, in the director’s opinion, would be funny.
– The film will be full of sex jokes. So for example, when Akshay would come to the parents
telling them that their son has dyslexia, the ignorant father would say something inappropriate like *’iss umar mein? par kaise, woh to hamesha boys school mein padha hai!’. * And* *yes, the director would think it is funny.
– In the climax of the film all the characters in the film would run around in the amphitheater for no reason, spilling colors on each other. That’s where the film will end, without any
– And of course, Paresh Rawal would emote like an epileptic himself making us question
the boy’s mental abilities anyway.